Becoming an Illegal Alien - 'I Know a Good Deal When I See One'

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“Becoming an Illegal”
(An actual letter from an Oregon resident sent to his Senator)

Dear Senator Wyden,
The Honourable Mr. Wyden,

As a native Oregonian and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien, and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one, and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone else figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year; so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.

Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family, because we paid heavy taxes in 2014 and 2015.

Additionally, as an illegal alien, I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider for free. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures that I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) as well as copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
(hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status, rather than be just a bonafide citizen of the USA)

(Please pass this on to your friends, so that they too can save on this great offer.)